Tuesday, September 16, 2008

On Truth and Lies

I'm trying to have an open heart..an open mind to what happened last night and I've been suspicious about for a while. I hate feeling like I'm his mother or something. I don't want to tell him what he can or cannot do..just be respectful of me, please. It's funny. I can always tell when someone close to me is lying. Always. He started acting weird...on edge. I felt like I barely ever saw him anymore. Probably because he didn't want to be confronted. When you come home smelling a little..off..every now and then..I can maybe take your word for it that no, it wasn't you..you were just around people who were smoking.

But when the hello kisses are prolonged and when I hug you you reek of fresh cigarette smoke..and something..sweet like covering it up..and I ask you and you say no? When I tell you you smell like a diner you laugh it off like I'm crazy. When I smell your hands and they've quite clearly been holding a cigarette recently and you try to say it's motor oil? Seriously? You think I'm that stupid? And then you get on edge. You're nervous around me. Hmm.

I left a headband in the center console of the Buick a few weeks ago (and I *never* go in that car anymore) and ya know? Tonight..because you're being weird..I'm going to go out and get it. Will you stop me? Will you offer to get it yourself? Nope. I opened the door and was engulfed in stale smoke. "uh huh." is all I had to say. I came back inside..shut the door and said simply "so..did you seriously think I wouldn't find out?" caught.

And that's why I hate feeling like his mother. I *hate* that I felt like his mother last night. I cried. I cried because this is our fight. Our one and only. The same fight we have every 8 months or so..and have had since I got pregnant with Calix and stopped smoking. It's frustrating. I understand an addiction..please. Trust when I say that. Trust when I say I crave a cigarette every now and then but don't because I promised him I wouldn't. It wasn't even so much that he was smoking (on and off since he got home from Afghanistan)..because please, I don't care..but I DO care about your health and yes, I want you to be around and healthy for our kids and blah blah blah. What I care about is the lying. I don't lie to you..do not lie to me and seriously think I won't find you out. I'm a good girl..I'm a great wife and a fantastic mother. Do you not love me anymore? Why couldn't you just come to me and say "babe..I didn't want to tell you this but I started smoking again" is that so hard? Is it? Did I care that you smoked while you were deployed? No. No because you were honest with me about it and seriously? I'd much rather be married to a smoker than someone addicted to hard drugs. He said he felt ashamed every time he finished a cigarette..told himself that was the last one and felt ashamed that he'd be spending $4 on a pack of them a couple of times a week all the while telling me that no, I can't have a little bit of shopping money this time around because there just *isn't* extra money right now. Calix grew out of all of his pajamas? Oh, that's gonna need to wait until the next time we get paid. I mean..come on.

But I *do* understand addiction..I do. But I don't understand why anyone..especially my husband..would ever feel like they had to lie to me. I don't think we even came to a conclusion about what's going to happen. I don't know if he's planning on continuing this whole thing because well, now I know about it..or if he actually feels as bad as he says he does and he's done with it. Ya know..for now.

I'm so very loyal to that man..so incredibly loyal. When he was gone for those 13 months and all of those other wives found it so easy to just..wander off..I stayed true. True because I love him and was very sincere when we said our vows. Every time he does this..it almost feels like cheating, ya know? I deserve respect and loyalty just as much as I give those things. Trust is earned..not given..and I feel like it may be a little while until I can do that again.

And why did I just openly write about very personal stuff? Because I'm honest and I don't filter. And I feel like ya'll are allowed to see my sadness just as much as you're allowed to see my happiness.


Jenna Consolo said...

Oh, Abby. I feel your heart, sis. These are difficult things to deal with in a marriage, and most every marriage has them in one degree or another. I'm so sorry. Of course you're hurt and feeling betrayed. Love you.

Micah said...

Dear Abby-
Being an addict myself I feel I should tell you that it has nothing to do with you. Try as you may, addiction is overwhelming and should not be treated lightly. He's not spending the money on prostitutes or other worldly things, but on cigarettes, which are just about as addicting as they come. I kicked heroine, but just have the hardest time with cigarettes. I'm sure he's not lying to you just to lie, but out of shame. It takes ALOT of work and I'm sure the best thing for him right now is an understanding and supportive wife. Don't force him, but help him. I understand the principal totally and he should be upfront with you, but try not to let this problem consume you or hurt your marriage.

Abby said...

I know it was out of shame..we had a long talk about it all and I *am* being understanding and supportive about it all. I asked if he needed me to help him with anything being that I, myself, kicked cocaine, meth, *and* cigarettes but he says it's something he needs to do on his own. It's not so much that I care that he even smokes..because whatever, there are way worse things he could be doing. I was only hurt because he felt like he couldn't be honest with me about the whole thing. I mean..we're a *close* couple..so that's why it hurt. But we talked and talked and talked about it..no one's pointing any fingers that he's so bad for smoking because like I said..whatever. But he's trying and that's all one can really do, right?