Saturday, April 26, 2008

I've been fairly depressed ever since my mother in law called me chubby..not fat. I shouldn't let it get to me as much as it has..but I do. When we showed up in Florida, I remember getting to our condo and looking in the mirror and not being TOO unhappy with what I saw..but ever since that comment, I just feel huge. I used to walk around my house naked after YEARS of feeling too shy..and now? I don't. I don't because who wants to see that? Not me and surely not others. Orion says I look great..but I look at pictures and I can't see how he could possibly think that. I can't stand having this body. It sickens me. I can't stand that I seem to be the ONLY girl in our family who has a weight problem when I feel like I work my butt off. I'm tired of being last, really. Tired of not being as good as the others.

I know.. I knowwww this body carried my children and that's mostly how it ended up this way..and I'm extremely grateful for those little guys.. but I can't help feeling like because I have this extra skin that people think I'm lazy or something. You know what I mean..you see all of these women who have a few babies and they're totally thin..but then you look down at yourself and remember your youngest is 14 months old and holy crap, you still look pregnant. How could you even CONSIDER having another baby right now? Are you nuts??

Going to the gym is just getting way too expensive these days what with the price of gas and how far the gym is. Orion's offered to watch the babies so I can go to the gym here on post..but then for me, there's that initial..I've never even been inside of that one and I feel too shy. I get that that goes away after the first 2 or 3 times for me..but I'd LIKE for someone to go with me the first few times until I get comfortable going on my own. I'm (hopefully) getting a treadmill for Christmas and then there won't BE an excuse to not use it. There will always be time while the kids are napping or playing or whatever.




Anyway. That's where I've been. I don't like this feeling. I like the ol happy Abby..the one who's always smiling and goofing around. This one that's moved in on me..well, she sucks and sleeps WAY too much.

4 comments:

Jenna Consolo said...

Sweet Abs, this breaks my heart. Why are we women so hard on ourselves? Why are we prone to compare ourselves to everyone else? I once heard someone say to never compare yourself to others because what we inevitably do is compare our weaknesses to others' strengths, so it's never fair. And even those with seemingly "perfect" bodies, still find fault. You had two babies close together, which is hard enough. Add to that the fact that you did it all unexpectedly and without the help of your husband who was away, and give yourself some credit! You'll get back to where you want to be. It takes time, and I've been with you watching you....you're far from lazy! My advice though, would be not to think that having another baby right now would make those feelings go away. Get happy with YOU, whomever that is, and THEN bring on those cute little ones! You're a great mom.

And for what it's worth? I'm jealous that all of the rest of you are taller than me! Why do I have to be so short and dumpy! (see what I mean?)

chelsea said...

I'm sorry that you feel like that hun...I know those feelings and they blow big ones....but soon you'll be in Hawaii in all that beauty and sunshine and you'll feel better by just being some place better and I'm sure you'll find energy and you'll get there...plus soon the boys will wanna work out with mommy too...its great when they do...put a smile on the beautiful face

YogaNana said...

AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!! NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Don't fall for it! Don't fall for the crap that says only svelte is beautiful! You've lost a lot of weight, you've worked hard. But your health is the reason to do that, not beauty or desirability. You *are* beautiful exactly as you are, and Orion is *together* enough to know that and your kids love their happy mommy.

I have a word or two for the person who made the 'chubby' comment and started you feeling this way, but I can't say them on blogger. :o)

Love,
Mom

Hannah said...

K first of all, wait til you see me. I've got quite a bit of weight to lose myself so please don't think you're the only sister dealing with this crap.

Also, have you had your thyroid checked? Could be nothing but if your feeling tired all the time and you're having trouble losing the weight, it might have something to do with your thyroid.

PS, I'm super jealous of your legs.