Sunday, July 29, 2007

Week 161

I busted out with the biggest breakdown I've had the entire time Orion's been gone. Literally. I mean.. I've had my share of freak outs and crying. But this? Was a whole new level. it's my fault. It always is, I know. But all I wanted to do was move Maddox from the nursery into Calix's room finally (I figure it'll be easier for me to let him cry himself back to sleep in the middle of the night if it's harder for me to hear him..thus getting him to sleep through the night. Hopefully.). I wish the doors were wide enough that I could have just slid his crib through the nursery, into my room, through the hall..and into Calix's room. No. Nothing's that easy. So..I had to take it apart. This is where it all went wrong.

Calix was dancing around under my feet. I told him to go play with his toys and to leave mommy alone for just a few minutes. I asked him to go check up on his little brother for me. I told him he was driving me crazy. He kept dancing around me and picking things up he shouldn't have been picking up. Okay okay.. I got through it. All pieces were disassembled and brought into Calix's room for reassembly.

Maddox started wailing. Calix started screaming. I got more and more frustrated because that stupid little bolt locking piece was being ridiculous. I yelled. I said "knock it off!!!!". That started Maddox screaming bloody murder. Calix thought it was hilarious and screamed even more while running around dumping his bucket of toys out all over the hallway.

I screamed a lot. I swatted Calix's butt for being so unruly. Maddox's screams got louder. I was just about shaking because I was so frustrated that something that would normally take me 15 minutes total was now taking over 45 because of the 2 screaming ones. I needed to get dinner ready for Calix. Maddox needed to go to bed soon. Time was running out and I was nowhere near being finished with the crib.

I sobbed. I felt awful for yelling at the kids. I held them both close and hugged and kissed them and told them I was very very sorry for acting the way I did. And that yes, mommy loves them. Understanding that I'd just yelled at them is really what made me break down severely though. I cried and cried and cried and said I couldn't do this anymore. That I couldn't do everything by myself anymore. I cried for Orion to come help. But mostly, I just cried.

Both of the kids grew quiet and they just watched me. They watched their mother freak out and act a way they've never witnessed before. Sometimes the loneliness and frustration just builds up for so long that no matter what you do, it's going to pour out. I had myself a very long and much needed sob (I'm seriously surprised the MPs didn't show up..because the entire ordeal was *loud*). I brought Maddox downstairs..fed him..and then went back up to finish.

I can't stand feeling like I don't have control over situations like that. Like someone I never want to be comes through and scares not only the kids..but myself, too. I tell Orion all the time that I'm fine with this whole thing and that I can handle it. That I'm not like other wives who cry every night because they miss their husbands..even though I miss him a tremendous amount during every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Sometimes I feel like I'm just above it all and can deal with everything that comes my way without any problem. But then days like today happen and I remember that I'm just like every single other lonely wife out there dealing with the kids and the day to day stuff and I feel humble again.

They're finally roommates

We'll see how tonight goes..but dang it, I am NOT moving Maddox back into the nursery. Noooo sir. Next, I'm turning the old nursery into an office.

But..I'll wait a few days.


Crystal said...

I screamed at Kyler this weekend also. I felt so bad after. The MP's did come to my house though. Not about that, but it kinda goes along with losing your mind through a deployment so I'll tell you, even though I was going to keep this between the ppl that already know because I don't want anyone to think I'd really do this.

So Thursday at 11:49 PM I wake up to knocking on my door. It was the MP's saying that they got a call that someone here was overdosing. Apparently my friend got a text "from me" that asked what would happen if I took 16 vicodin, she was calling but I turned all my ringers off when I went to sleep because I was super tired and Ryan doesn't call then. After the MP sees that I was asleep and not dying I call my friend who I had a ton of missed calls and text msgs from. She received a text that had my number but it wouldn't save on her phone as my name in her contact list, something weird, so she wasn't sure it was from me, but since I didn't answer my phones she thought it was and she found a way to get the number to the MP's here and called. I'm glad she was worried like that and if I were really in trouble she knows what to do to help me, but at the same time I was really upset that she would think that I would do that to myself and my child. Here I am thinking I'm doing so well through this deployment, out here all alone and hardly knowing anyone, most days the only conversations I have are with a 7 month old and I'm ok with that, but apparently my friends think that I'd do something like this...sorry to flood your comment page like this.

Crystal said...

OH and? Do you know what I was thinking walking down the stairs to my door at 11:49PM? Because I hadn't heard from Ryan for a week? Yeah I was thinking bad news, I was all nervous opening the door and the whole time I was talking to him. He came back an hour later, I guess because I was so shook up and confused that he thought I might have taken something, but I had already talked to my friend and explained to him what she said.