Saturday, May 05, 2007

Day 76

I connected with my husband way more today than we have been recently. Why? Because see..the phones in Afghanie..the DSN phones that he has to call on? Every minute (literally) they would cut out. So the majority of our phone conversations were of him repeating everything..and then getting cut off again either before he finished that thought (he could always hear me) or right as he started a new one. got mighty annoying and frustrating. In fact, other soldiers were getting so angry about it, they were breaking the phones. Seriously. Can you imagine trying to have a conversation with your loved one(s) and having it get cut off ALL THE TIME??? Ugh. We mostly found it funny though. You have to laugh about things like that. It was like..everytime I went to tell him I loved him or would just be silent. So yes..2 weeks of that got old.

Today though, it was clear the whole time. We're wondering if it was just a fluke..or if they actually fixed the problem. Guess we'll see tomorrow. We finally got to talk about all of the things we've been wanting to discuss..and just well, let the other one know how much we're missed and loved. The things that are oh so nice to hear. I don't think I can stress to you guys enough how insanely difficult, lonely and frustrating this has been for me. Not to mention the sorrow I feel for the things he's missing out on, ya know? I mean.. Maddox is almost 3 months old already..and he hasn't been here to see it. Calix is 19 months old and he's just getting more active and smart every single day..and I know he misses his daddy, I do. I know he misses riding on his shoulders and having daddy put him on his tricycle and riding around with him like it's a motorcycle..and making homemade tents with him then hanging out inside of it for hours on end just bonding and being silly guys. I'm sure he misses following him to the door every single day and giving him window love before he left for work. I just..well, my heart hurts so much for him. He's stuck with his mommy who isn't great at doing any of those things..and I know he must find me so boring most days..but I'm tired..I'm just *so* tired all the time. I feel like I'm too young to be this tired and just..wrecked..but I am. I am and it just makes me so angry. And then I think about all of the other wives out there going through the same thing as me..and the wives who have it harder than I do..and my heart hurts so much for them, too. I know those lonely nights..I know those days when you just want to runaway..I know the feeling of just wanting someone else around, even if they don't say anything..I know the fear that makes your heart stop when an unusual car pulls up after not hearing from your husband for a couple of days. I know all of those things and more..and ya''s *awful*.

I don't know..I guess I'm mostly just bored with walking around acting like I'm happy..with a big ol smile on my face. I know it's no secret that I'm miserable and screaming on the inside. But, I smile because I need to. Sometimes a forced smile can bring on a genuine least for me. I try to keep myself busy with general day to day stuff. I know the more things I have planned..the faster time goes by and the sooner I'll see him again. I can't wait to throw my arms around him and smother him with kisses and show him just how big his boys are getting. I almost want to push them towards him like "look! look at them! can you believe it??!?! they're ours!!". I want to sit back and watch him interact with them because he adores them so much and it's harder for him to be away from them than it is for them. 34 more days-ish (travel time back to the states is an unknown thing) until all of these things can happen..and then for 2 weeks, I can breathe easily just knowing I have my husband again.


Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you girl. I hate that Ryan is missing out on so much with Kyler. Ryan doesn't get his R&R until January, that's almost a whole year, and Kyler will be a year old by then and well he isn't going to know his daddy and it will probably take him some time to want to go around him because I'm a hermit and the kiddo is going to be fearful of strangers. Then he won't be home home until Kyler is around 18 months and we get to go through it all again.
Even if they withdrawl the troops, they would be sent somewhere else, so I just think this is the life I picked for myself, and I'm proud of my husband and our family will be stronger because of this!

YogaNana said...

Yeah, Abs, I can imagine how hard it is, and my heart hurts for you and for the rest of your little family. We think about you, talk about you, wish we could make it all better. Just keep hanging in there.

Mom (and David)

Friglet said...

I really admire you for doing this all alone. I don't know how you do it!