Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I've been feeling fairly sad today. And while I think I can put my finger on as to why..I don't know that I want to. It's all very stupid, really. I guess it's just one of those..you thought things were starting to look up in the social department maybe? But then you have this nagging feeling that hey, they don't really like you. And maybe also that they might perhaps talk crap about you behind your back.

It may also be a paranoia thing. I tend to feel like people are mad at..or don't like me *all* the time. No idea why I do that. But the whole situation kinda just makes me feel weepy. Golly, I feel like a weirdo. Who am I to assume people suddenly want to be my friends? I got my hopes up, I guess.

It's just SO lonely to be me lately and I'm tired..so tired of feeling like I don't have anyone. And I know I probably came off desperate like.. "LIKE ME!!! PLEASE LIKE ME!!" But I guess I can't help it in the beginning. I just want so badly for people to like me..and I don't understand it when they don't. I'm a nice girl..I promise I am. I just feel like I'm getting the whole "piss off, we don't need you" thing..and it makes me wonder what I did.

I don't know. I told you it's stupid. If I had actual things to do these past few days..I wouldn't be stewing over this..but I don't so I have been.

I seem to be an emotional wreck lately. I miss my husband to an insane degree. Sometimes I feel like he's the only one that really gets me. He knows my sarcasm..he understands my sense of humor..and I forget sometimes that most others don't. These kids also mostly make me want to run outside and scream so hard that it hurts. But I feel like cops would be called if I did. I guess I mostly just feel so stuck. Stuck in the middle of wanting to be a supportive wife and a good mother..but I also crave a social life at the same time..and I just feel so..so unwanted.

So, I'll sit here and keep wiping away the tears while I watch everyone else having a good time together.

2 comments:

Hilary said...

I don't know if this helps at all, but I 'get' you. I mean... you're Abby. and Abby=awesome. You have always been the one we look up to. I think you're such a wonderful person, and damnit, I just love ya.

And if someone else doesn't like you or talks crap... well then ef 'em. Seriously. We all know how great and super and awesome you are, so for anyone to say otherwise? Is just crazy.

I do understand where you're coming from though. I think everyone goes through a time in their life when they feel completely alone; even though they have people (or in your case, babies) around them.

I don't think there's anything I can really say that can make you feel all better; your husband is probably the only one who can do that. But hey, I tried. I just want you to be happy. No more tears! only smiles :)

Jenna said...

Hey Sis,
Chin up. I think you and I are a lot alike. I have these same paranoias. I'm always second-guessing myself wondering if people like me, or if I come across too strong, or do they make fun of me behind my back. Usually the answer is no, they don't. Try not to worry. You're just a little blue and that's expected when you're cooped up in the house with Romper Room all day, every day, missing your beloved. It's a tough spot you're in, for sure. I'm sure no one is talking crap about you. You're very likable, and anything you perceive is probably either your own paranoia and low self-esteem, OR the other person is going through their own drama and hard times and they withdraw to deal with that. Not everything is personal. I for one love you to pieces and think you're absolutely terrific!

I have tons of other embarrassing pics from the past...if I post them on my blog would that cheer you up? Really....it's no problem!