Day 4 (picture post)

Overwhelming task, isn't it? If only they stayed that big..jeeze.





No matter how short their nails are..they still scratch!
Pretty dang cute though, huh?




He's so yummy. Yay for babies!



Today wasn't so bad, either. I mean..Calix had his moments of tantrums and jealousy..but he also had large parts of the day where it was just him and mommy hanging out. Honestly, he gets more of me than Maddox does..cause all that kid does is eat and sleep..and then every once in a while he'll stay awake to look around (that's really when Maddox and I have our bonding time..other than feeding). But ya know..Calix got to go outside and play for a little while today..and then I decided it was just a bit too windy to stay out there any longer. He hated that part. A lot. Sorry, kiddo..you're still getting over being sick (I don't even wanna talk about the perpetual snot that's all over his face. Wipe as much as I want..it always comes back!).


I suppose I'm doing better. I miss Orion to an insane degree..but it'll be like that for a while..so I might as well just get used to it, huh? It's just that I seriously can't sit up and watch nighttime tele without him. It feels so wrong...but mostly weird. So after Calix goes down for bed at 7:30..I clean up and head upstairs with Maddox. Forget about watching movies alone, too. Forget about eating ice cream as well. It doesn't taste the same..even though it's the same freaking kind I get all the time. Forget about doing anything you would normally do at night with your husband..because it just won't happen. I almost feel like I'm cheating on him if I stay up to watch one show at night. It's the strangest thing. I guess I'm just used to having him there..having someone to throw my legs on and tell him to rub my feet (which he totally always does no matter what). I guess in a way..the house just feels *sad* without him here. And that? Is something I never really considered having to go through. Sleeping in bed alone isn't so bad because Maddox is with me..but I'm so used to (again) throwing a leg over him that it's hard to fall asleep without being able to do that. So? I've propped up a blanket and that's what I throw a leg onto. It's pathetic I'm sure..but it gets me through.

I feel like I'm mourning his death or something. It's so unbelievably strange..this whole thing. I feel like when I go outside..people see me from their kitchen windows and almost point at me to themselves like "there she is..." and kind of gossip about me like "You know..her husband just deployed not even a week ago..and there she is at home with a newborn and a toddler. Poor thing." Which I'm sure doesn't even happen..but I'm that paranoid. I just feel like everyone's talking about me lately..and it kind of sucks. I'm not helpless, ya know. I am capable of taking care of myself and 2 kids. I'm not some celebrity that pops kids out and then passes them off to other people. No, I adore my babies. I want to snuggle them at all times. I just happen to have a bad day every once in a while.

You know what's also strange to me? My niece (one of the many..but the oldest of them all) is coming out in a couple of weeks to help out with..stuff, I guess. It's strange because when I was her age (12)? I was babysitting her. And now, 12 years later..here she is to help out with my own children. It's crazy how things work out, isn't it? I never would have imagined. Hehe.

Anyway, I heart Orion. Haha