(I was in labor there..waiting for Orion to get home from pawning stuff for gas money..so he could take me to my doctor's appointment..where they would then tell me to go to the hospital to stop labor. obviously..it didn't work.) and being this big? SCARES ME! I'm still a tad lighter than I was at my most depressed and largest in Oregon..but that's how you know I'm chubby. I cried all over Orion like "I miss my body. I worked so hard for it..so hard and I don't know if I'll ever have the time to work that hard on my body ever again". And because I now have high blood pressure (pregnancy induced)..I'm terrified that I'll get preeclampsia again (I still have yet to sit down with my doctor and actually ask what the odds of that are..or I guess I can ask jeeves in the meantime) and I told Orion that I really don't think I can handle having another premature baby..if that happens to be the case. No thanks! I'd like to bond more with my children, ya know..rather than just going in to bathe and feed them till however long it takes for them to be able to come home! I'd also really like to nurse this next baby because I *barely* got the chance to with Calix..and that crap breaks my heart. (Has anyone else noticed that I rarely curse anymore? it's weird, man.) Anyway, it went on and on and on..and then I was just like "This conversation is so stupid. Talking about terminating a baby's life because of weight gain?" But I have been eating as well as I can (lemme tell ya how many sweets I don't crave!)..ehh... even with an ordered burger (that I usually take a couple of bites out of and say "it doesn't taste right." and give to Orion or just throw out) every now and then. I'm taking all of my prenatal vitamins this time. Ya know.. I'm just trying harder. I don't wanna be one of those pregnant chicks that say "I'm eating for 2!" because you are but you're not. You only need 300 more calories a day. Anyway.
So.. I got Orion to agree that after I'm done with babies (Still not sure if baby 3 will ever make an appearance..especially if the one that's growing is a girl) I get a tummy tuck. Woop woop! I mean..obviously I'll be dropping the kids off in daycare for an hour everyday so I can go to the gym and do my work out..so it's not like I'm getting one to solve all of my problems..because I know it wont. I KNOW. I'm just getting one to get rid of the gross gross baby pouch that I'd rather never speak of again. And try to feel normal again..because I *REFUSE* to be a fat wife. REFUSE! My body was never built to carry this much weight. I'm so misproportioned..skinny legs..skinny waist..big boobs (ehh..big enough)..pretty okay arms with tiny little wrists..and then well..then there's the mid-section. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I will say though..that the lady next door? Looks like she weighs more than I do.. but I'll bet she doesn't.
I think that's just a normal female reaction. Ya know..the weight thing. None of us (as far as I'm aware anyway) WANT to be large. Plus//I'm so self conscious anyway.. I always think everyone's staring at me and passing judgements like "she could be so hot if only.." and that's never a good feeling.
Today? We need to go register the car. Oh jolly good times!
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