Monday, February 02, 2009

Mama but no baby drama

Oh man. Today was one of those days.

One of those days that I was craving a baby. We decided to do the grocery shopping during the super bowl because I had a feeling it wouldn't be all that crowded (and lately, crowded places make me want to curl up in a ball..or rush out of there in a sweaty mess)..and it wasn't. You know how when you're shopping you tend to be behind the same person the majority of the time? Well, there was a woman today with her cart in front of me..with this teeny tiny little baby. He couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 weeks old, honestly. If even that. Very small. Little baby was crying. And crying. And CRYING the *entire* time they were shopping and the mommy in me wanted to just ask if I could pick him up and hold him. But instead I said little things like "awww..little babyyy" and the mother looked frustrated because he was very clearly her first child. He cried..and he CRIED and I wondered if she had a binkie or bottle or time to pull over and nurse him because MAN..he was SO sad! But she and her young husband just kept on. They kept on..and ignored his little cries.

My uterus hurt, guys. My boobs ached. I WANTED to hold that baby so bad. I found myself coming back from getting something off the shelf and almost putting it in the cart the baby was in (that was embarrassing when I realized what I was doing). I ached to be pregnant myself..or to just have a very small one again. Ugh, it was awful. So awful that I cried on the way home because I'm STILL so very torn about the 3rd baby. I tried to explain it to Orion about how I wouldn't be super angry if I accidentally got pregnant..but about how I really CAN'T allow myself to gain more weight..even if it is just for baby. And about how when the boys are having a tough day I can't imagine having a third..but I want a girl. I so VERY much want a girl. I'm jealous everyday of everyone I know who is lucky enough to have one. And I guess that's stupid...but it sucks to tear up over finding out someone other than me is having a girl. I don't ask for the world..just a girl. Please? It breaks my heart so much! I just... I don't know. Please?

But there really isn't much I can do except just say please at this point. *sigh* I know I talk a lot about getting *me* back and while that's a constant struggle.. I also want to finish having babies and #3 is the finish I continue with whatever and just go with the flow and let whatever happen when it happens..or do I just give up and get *me* back knowing I cannot get this baby thing out of my mind? And UGH, it's such a PAIN in the butt to want a baby. Sometimes, being a girl's *so* annoying and even *I* can't make sense of myself.

I just know I'm so very tired of being so very sad and my depressed uterus could use an occupant. Just saying.


Amanda Noelle said...

oh Abby I know how you feel. Everytime I go to Target and see the baby clothes, I start longing for a baby. But Kayla's almost ten, and I don't think I want to start all over again. You'll get your baby girl, I just know it. For now enjoy your handsome lil boys. I love you. Love,

Hannah said...

I would say just let it happen when it happens. Work on yourself. Get healthy so when you do get pregnant it will be an easier pregnancy. Your little girl will come. Know that, and be at peace with working around God's timing.

Hannah said...
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Micah said...

I often want another baby, but then I hang out with the two I have here. Problem solved.

Jenna Consolo said...

Abby, it will happen. You'll appreciate it so much more if it doesn't happen right away because you'll feel more like YOU, and your boys will be a little older and a little more helpful. I really think it's not a good idea to "decide" how many kids you're going to have. By that I mean to just have a number in mind. Especially as young as you are. Your boys are young and active and you're tired and frazzled sometimes, but they do grow up, and there are wonderful things about having babies at different times. If you have this sort of longing, then you obviously aren't done, but don't rush it. When SHE come to you, finally, then wait a few years and see if you feel there are any more. You'll know when your whole family is with you. At least, that's my feeling. You definitely want your whole family. A way will work out. I love you. Despite the hormones, being a girl is awesome.

Abby said...

I'm trying to let it happen when and if it happens. I'm not forcing it, that's for sure. I'm enjoying the 2 I have for now and our little family and how much easier it's getting to just DO stuff with them. There's no way in the world I could ever handle more than 3 children. It's my number. It's how many I've always wanted and unless twins or something random happens..I honestly don't ever see us having any more than 3. It's the perfect number for us.

I don't dwell on this all the time..but yeah, sometimes I think about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another baby. Now..later..whenever. It'll happen when it happens.

hil hil bean said...

Well I might be in the minority on this one, but I say go for the 3rd baby now. I don't think you'll be able to get *you* back completely until you're happy in every aspect of your life. And if you're longing for that 3rd baby, especially a little girl, it's going to be constantly weighing on your mind and holding you back.

Let's say you lose 50lbs over the next year or so. Then you decide it's time to get pregnant and you gain 25lbs back. I think gaining weight after you've worked so hard to lose that much would be extremely disappointing and discouraging.

So everyone might disagree with me on this, but that's my two cents. I love ya and I obviously support you no matter what you decide. I just want to see you happy!