Thursday, January 22, 2009

Start.

Look, it's not easy to be the heavy girl in the family. It's not fun to hate getting your picture taken. It's not fun to feel like people are always judging you..especially if they're people who have seen you thinner in the past. It's not fun to beat yourself up all the time and fall into depressed slumps because wahh no one likes me because I'm fat. ENOUGH!! Abby, you don't like you because you're fat.

It's hard to own up to that..letter by individual Wii letter..but it's very true. These past three days have been depressing and nap filled..scared of what pictures mom would put in her blog of me. What must she really think of her youngest daughter? So I slept. And I filled my own head with nonsense about my husband not loving me anymore. And it's like that's such bull because it's so very obvious that that man adores the daylights out of me on the daily. So I woke up with my babies today..and I fed them oatmeal..and I wiped up Calix's vomit mess and I told myself I will change. Of course it's never quite that simple..so I read. And I read. And then I read some more..until I fell asleep on the couch.

But when I woke up, I didn't say anything. I sat up...put my head in my hands and thought for a few minutes before going upstairs to get some socks. While the kids were napping and Orion was "golfing"...I laced up a pair of sneakers...turned my mp3 player on..and lowered the treadmill.

I only walked a mile..but it was something. I only did 35 reps on the leg machine..but it was something. I only did 50 sit ups..but at least it was something. And as we all know when it comes to this sort of thing..something is better than nothing.


The awful truth is that I have somehow gained 30 pounds since Orion got home from Afghanistan almost a year ago. I'll be honest and put my number out there. Have fun gasping.

220. Yup. When I met Orion I weighed 155..my hip bones stuck out..I bought tons of sexy lingerie. I looked good..I felt great. I'm 5'8 1/2". I know I have a lot to lose..but if I don't, I fear I may lose everything. I need to be here for my babies. I need to be here for me.

So we start. I'm holding myself and only myself responsible.

8 comments:

YogaNana said...

I'm sitting here digesting a 6" Subway meatball sandwich and a little bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion potato chips (all eaten in the car on the drive home) and admiring you.

Jenna Consolo said...

Abby, we're always harder on ourselves than anyone else is. How about the fact that you're the most photogenic in the family? huh? Huh?

But not feeling good about the way one looks is NOT fun. That's where I'm at too. Our numbers may be different, but the feeling's the same, because it all comes from living beneath our potential. In January I started really honoring myself more. I want to feel like ME again, not a frumpy, old almost middle-aged mom with this hot teenage daughter and hot teenage son, you know?

Something is better than nothing! I'm proud of you. Every day I do something too. For me, it's 10,000 steps a day and green drink (which Dylan makes every morning for the whole fam) and only sugary treats on Fridays and Mondays. I don't know if I've lost weight yet (but I did lose an inch in my waist!), but I sure feel better when I honor ME. Moms have to live forever!

You're so lucky you have a treadmill. And an MP3. And a Wii. I have 9 year old sneakers and a CD walkman that is getting embarrassing to my children. But it does the job! I'm cheering you on!

I love you!

Jenna Consolo said...

Oh, and Mom? The Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki is SO much better! And it's low fat! xo!

Hannah said...

It's so hard to actually look at ourselves sometimes. I feel the same way everytime I see a picture of myself. Is that really what I look like? But it's also a very good thing to take a look and work on the changes that need to be made. One step at a time Abs.

Oh and by the way, you are stinkin beautiful!!!!

Micah said...

I'm currently in the beginning of whoopin myself into shape as well. Do you still drink beer? I have been finding that cutting beer out of your daily routine also cuts out thousands of carbs a day, literally. If you are going to drink, drink red wine. It's good for your blood flow and your heart. Walking or running is great too. I think crunches are overratted. Try Yoga instead and strengthen your core. The rest will work itself out.

PS- Oh, and Jenna, I have had two horrible experiences with the sweet onion chicken sandwich, as I have bitten in to chicken bones twice.

Jenna Consolo said...

Weird, Micah! That is my favorite Subway sandwich! Lyns and I usually split one. I love mine with spinach, pickles, and olives.

Abby said...

Micah..nope on the beer. I haven't had one of those since those hot nasty Kentucky days. I mostly drink wine these days..though I prefer a nice white. I just can't seem to make myself drink red..it smells bad!

And shoot, I have to do lying down leg lift things and hold or pulse because those pregnancies left me with a lovely flat tire. It's gross. Oy.

Mindy said...

You can do this! I have total faith in you. You're right. It all starts with you and simple steps. Good Luck!