Saturday, July 07, 2007

Lobster Gram! (no seriously..I'm burnt)

Let's see..what to say. I don't know that I can put how I feel right now into words. I started shaking/sobbing while laying on the couch a little bit ago. I just finished Season 3 of the Sopranos (I never wanted to jump into the middle of the to Netflix..I get to see them all). If you've seen may remember Uncle Junior singing a song in Italian at the end. Anyway..he kept saying "hungry for heart"..and well, I am, ya know?

Then I put that Live Earth concert thing on..and those friggin songs didn't help anything. I don't know. I miss him so much. And I hate feeling like my life depends on him...but I.. I don't know. I just feel so sad all the time. I feel empty. Hollow. There's definitely someone very important missing from my (our) life right now..and it just sucks so bad. Lately, it seems like the times that I need him the most..something happens and he can't call. I get it, I do..but I just hate not being able to connect with him when I need to. When all I want to do is sob all over the phone and just..have him listen. Have him hear me out. To just be the voice on the other line..something happens. It's bullshit and I'm tired of it. I just want my husband. I want to be able to curl up and take a nap in his lap while he strokes my hair. I want to be able to hug him when I want to. But mostly, I just want another adult in this house. Someone I can nudge to go deal with Maddox in the middle of the night because dammit, I had a really really hard day..I'm tired..and my body hurts. Someone who's more than willing to get up with the babies at 6 in the morning so I can get a bit more sleep in. I WANT ORION!! I want to be able to sit down and sob those words out. Like I'm crying for my own mother (which I still do, btw). To cry because I'm just so lonely and tired of acting like everything's okay. To cry because I still need you. And god dammit, why isn't this crap over yet?!?! Just come home!

I know..I knowwwww..we're not even halfway done yet. And I'm quite aware that I won't see him again until mid-March 2008. I don't mean for it to look like I'm complaining about the deployment..and I don't mean for it to look like I need attention for being this military wife and wah wah wah all of the other crapload titles we as wives are slammed with. But every now and then..I cry. I cry like any other normal person would when their other half needs to leave for a while. I cry because up until a very new and fresh friendship (and ooo!! she has 2 boys! and we all totally went to the park today!)..I was mostly alone. There was that one.."baked goods friendship" (yeah, that's what I call it) that lasted..whatever..who cares. Apparently there are guidelines one must follow when being a military wife and looking for friends. Seriously. It's not like anywhere I've ever been where people friggin adore me. So, I made some mistakes and I accept that. But I'm still learning the ropes around here. But being soooo far away from everyone else in my life who actually gives a rat's ass about me for 1/3 of this entire thing..and mostly only having the little guys to talk to..was awful. Is awful. So yes, I admit it...I cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve..and ya'll know that for fact. When I hurt..I hurt..and then I usually write through it. Like I'm doing now.

The most I can do when he's not on the other line, is to think about the future. Think about all of the time I'm going to have with him. All of the adventures we plan on having as a family. Then get on with my everyday life. Feed the kids, change diapers, read books, play around...and just generally soak up their smallness and know that it's not going to last forever (lately? when I need to rest my eyes for a few minutes in the mid-afternoon, Calix climbs up onto the couch and sprawls his little body over mine and cuddles..while also acting as a blanket for his mommy. It's probably one of the very sweetest parts of my days). Their smallness won't last forever..and neither will this deployment.

He pretty much rocks

"looks outs, big brudder! I's goings to eats youuuu!!!"

Have I mentioned that they're totally starting to be buddies? Because they're totally starting to be buddies!

meh..bligga bligga blah.


Friglet said...

Hang in there. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. You must miss him like crazy. I admire the hell out of you for doing all that you do!

YogaNana said...

And you're right, it won't last forever, however it feels for now. It's going to be all good.