Thursday, June 21, 2007

Life, Love, and Death

This was originally a lot longer..but after the venting was out, I deleted a chunk of it.


I love my ENTIRE family to bits and bits regardless of what may or may not have happened in the past. I love them for everything we're all going to go through in the future. It's just shitty to me that we won't be going through those things together..but hearing about them through others.

I've also been thinking a lot about death lately. It's not as weirdo as that sounds. But ya know..there are 9 kids in my family..plus mother..father (of sorts)..and many many others as well..and ya know, not to jinx anything..but we've all been fairly lucky in that whole department and you know it. So it's got me wondering..and I probably shouldn't even voice this..but who goes first?

It scares the daylights out of me to even consider living life without my mother. I just.. I can't. I still need her more than anyone will ever know. Other than my husband and my children..my mother is my heart. I feel like I know her better than anyone else in the family ever could..and the gratitude I feel for that woman EVERY DAY is insane. At a time when things were super rough for this side of the family, she stepped up instead of crumbling like I know she must have wanted to do. And she's come SO far! In a time when I, myself, was growing..I was also watching my mother grow. And man oh man, I admire the heck out of her.

I also cannot imagine life without my siblings. I've been the closest to Jonah through the craziest times of my adult life. There is a sincere bond there that can never be broken. He knows how I feel and also feels the exact same way.
Hannah was more than a sibling to me while growing up..I mostly considered her to be one of my greatest friends. I wanted to be like her without "riding her" too much. As adults, I've found I'm able to come to her with random questions..more frequently though, questions about religion and things of that nature. She's open and responds to me in ways that don't make me feel like a complete retard for not knowing what I believe, exactly. I'm still learning.
Jenna is someone I have great respect for..but tend to not see her truly, as a sibling. She's more of a mother type figure..mostly because of the age difference. She's taken care of me throughout some of the most confusing times in my life. Plus, I totally got my first period while living with her. Hahaha.
Amanda. Oh, Amanda. I feel like Amanda. I feel like we could be super close. I feel like we have the most in common with one another. I think about her all the time. Silly things, really. Like how I could quote everything mom said when she'd come through the door at night..get it so dead on that Amanda would start cracking up. Or..sitting up late at night in our beds and laughing about random things. I love that certain movies remind me of her. I love that when I think of Amanda..I think of her laugh.
Noah. Hahahaha Noah! I LOVE that kid! But he's not so much a kid anymore, is he? His intelligence..sense of humor..and artistic eye blow my mind. He sees things the way most others are too afraid to see them. I love him and I love the impression he does of my husband's laugh. I miss having him call me up all early in the morning for a ride to work.
Micah is someone I wasn't very close with growing up. But he's also someone I've greatly admired for a very long time. There was a time in our lives when we were very close..but that somehow slipped away (for now). I love that when he hugged my husband the night before we moved, he told him to take care of me. It gets to me everytime, ya know. I love his passion for his children and how he'd do anything for them. You don't see enough fathers like that anymore. He has art pieces on his walls that make me cry every single time I think about them and I adore that he can put such emotion on canvas like that.

Let's see. Who's left? Jonah, Noah, Hannah, Micah, Amanda, and Jenna. Ah, Josiah and Ethan.

The 2 I really don't know at all.

I have a deep desire to want to get to know Josiah better..but I wouldn't know where to begin..or even if he wants anything to do with his side of the family. I hate feeling like some of us are ashamed of where we come from. It's our story, ya'll..and everyone has one.
Ethan tortured me when I was a small child more than anyone will ever understand. I laugh about it now..but man oh man how he had me in tears all those years ago. I asked him why once and he told me it was because I was just so dang cute he couldn't NOT make fun of me. I found that funny..but hey, thanks for the complex. He was someone I was working on getting closer to..and then was suddenly put on his black list..for what feels like..no reason at all. But hey, maybe I'll understand him more one day because the crap I hear is NOT a good enough reason.

My father and I will always have a rough relationship. I simply cannot (in this lifetime) forgive him for some of the things he's done. It's just too much for me. I can't do it. I love him..but just not in the way I would like to. He's extremely talented in MANY fields. He's mighty brilliant. He has a big heart and only wants what's best for everyone around him. I'm aware of these things. But the things I personally went through with him..and the things he's done to my mother are just so awful I can't even pretend to have a great relationship with him. It's something I've always craved..but it's something that could just never happen because all of those elephants would be in the room..and..no. I can't. Sorry.

I do, however, love every single person in my family. EVERYONE. There's no escape from the love grasp!

I tend to feel like I'm going to be the first to go. There it is...I said it. I think I have some kind of a hidden disease. I really do. Don't make fun of me for saying that, either..because it happens all the time. So I guess..hey..ya know..I need to let ya'll know I adore you. I do. I adore you. Yes, YOU!

Now..come and give me a hug.

4 comments:

Hannah said...

HUG!!! SMOOCH!!


You know I love you Abs!!


Hey I always think I havea hidden disease too. Right now for instance, my jaw has swollen to the size of a baseball! I don't know why. Maybe they'll name it after me. That would be kinda cool.

YogaNana said...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ABS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You have no idea how many hidden diseases I have had -- and still have. I just don't like to think about them, except sometimes to check out this or that bump on my ankle or weird thing on my skin or strange internal twinge and recall how many years I've had it. And it hasn't changed or anything, so maybe it's not terminal after all.

amanda said...

Thanks for the kind words Abby. I've always felt very close to you even though we dont talk too much. I think of you often. love you much!

Jenna said...

Man, this is heavy stuff. Don't you dare go anywhere, little girl! So, I'm not even a sibling, eh? Geez. It sure is lonely at the top (of a large family). I love you, sis. I'm hoping much more healing can take place for our family in the coming years too. Forgiveness is a key. We all need it.

Wouldn't it be fun to have a sisters' getaway sometime?