Sunday, May 27, 2007

Day 98

O leaves to head home on the 3rd..and will most likely be here between the 8th and 9th!! Oh! And assuming grandpa isn't having more heart surgery, he and grams will be here to watch the babies while O and I go out and party it up for the first time in TWO years!!!

I feel stupid most of the time. I feel like I can't carry on a decent conversation with anyone..and it's SO frustrating. I always think of the perfect things to say after it's too late and I've said something dumb. I feel like I have something to say..but dance around it so much it never gets across. That also frustrates me.

I don't feel like I'm doing anything wonderful with my life and while I don't really feel that school is for *me*..I'm envious of those who've finished..or are attending if not for more than to better themselves.

I can't believe I'm a mother..of two. I love the everliving daylights out of those kids..but I feel like I'M still a kid. I don't feel like I'm old enough to be a mother. I feel immature..but then I also feel like if I acted like other people all stuck up and "adult" I'd be losing myself and wouldn't be fun anymore. I mostly feel like I don't deserve to be a mother. Then there's the..I don't feel like I have anything in common with any of the other mothers I've met so far and it bothers me because I want mommy friends to an extreme. I have so much to learn about this whole thing..and I'm kind of just looking for some guidance..but feel, at the same time, that the other mothers want nothing to do with me BECAUSE I'm..young at heart (haha).

I was talking to Orion about all of these things today..and I just kept crying and crying because I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm living my life strictly for Orion and the boys. I don't want that to come off as bad as it sounds. I adore and totally support Orion 100%..but where's MY percentage, ya know? I'm new to the army thing..and I would like some help with it all. I want want female friends to show me the ropes. The ones who've gone through all of this before and can teach me a thing or two or, jeeze, just BE there..and be a friend. I haven't found that yet..and I'm terrified that I never will.

I don't feel like I'm an unfriendly person (if you've been out in public with'll understand that one)..and that's probably what eats at me the most. I just don't understand it. I've put myself out there..and put myself out there..and I WELCOME people into my life..and I know I tend to share too much about myself (and there's totally a line in Little Children about the husband at the park that I feel totally suits me. Watch it. It's good.)..but that's part of who I am. I want you to know me. I want you to know the good and the bad things..but still accept me anyway. I feel like my sister Jenna was right when she said something along the lines of "if you're from the east coast and you let someone into your're letting them into your life. You LIKE them". I find that to be very true about myself.

And then..and I'm almost too embarrassed to say this..but I feel like people (okay, so I've really only been looking for friends here on Myspace..but what else am I supposed to do? Go door to door?) see pictures of me..and then get the wrong idea. Yes..I admit it..I take fantastic pictures. I'm not, however, that good looking in person. I've been told this time and time again. When people tell you you're "photogenic" what they're really saying is " look NOTHING like that in person". And I know. Trust me..I know. My hair moves in person. I'm not in a pose of sorts. I'm also not in black and white. Look, I can admit that I'm friggin beautiful in pictures..and I think it might intimidate people from approaching me. There. I said it. But the truth is.. I'm NOT CUTE in person. Say hi! Talk to me! I'm super nice and like to have fun..I swear! Let's go shopping! Let's get together for a girls' night in and have fruity drinks and watch sappy movies!

I've really only had one friend like that ever. And yes.. I know all of you who knew her hated her..but she was the bestest friend I knew as a somewhat adul..older person. And please..if 2 of my brothers can hook up with..or date her..she can't be THAT bad, right? I know..she was. But I loved her. We went shopping all the time together..went out for morning or afternoon coffee at Starbucks and sat there talking about everything that was going on. We drank way too much together..smoked way too much together..but we DID things for eachother. If I were sad or whatever, she'd bring me something to cheer me up..and vice versa. We had all kinds of fun torturing..and surprising the guys we were dating (okay..I'm married to one of them now..and she was passed out on the bed when he proposed to me hahaha). We were 2 bitter girls who could always finish the other one's thought. She *got* me. I never had to go into details about what I was talking about..I never had to explain anything..because she already knew. Yes, we had our bad times...and the worst of it all was when I became pregnant and she'd started on the coke again after we'd both been clean for so long. She changed..and seemed to resent me for being pregnant and engaged and moving on with my life out of the party scene. I was, apparently, no longer fun to hang out we had a huge fight and basically stopped talking.

There are days when I miss the hell out of that girl..and I wonder if I'll have another friend like that..or along those lines..ever again.

Give me someone I can do that to and have it be so funny we almost fall off of our Twister spots with laughter.

I totally got off track. But who cares..this is my place to write about whatever I want..whenever I want. Recognize.

O said I'm probably feeling like I'm stupid and can't carry on a conversation because I'm so sleep deprived. He's probably right..but I just don't feel like I can battle with words like I once was able to.

I also say "I feel like" WAY too much. Shhh.

I'm thinking about checking to see if the new chick I've been talking to would maybe wanna go clothes shopping with me on Thursday because yo, I need new stuff HARDCORE. It's getting way too old to be wearing the same crappy stuff ALL the time..and the maternity pants have SERIOUSLY got to be retired now that I know I can fit my large self into real sizes again (hey hey..I can put on some of my size 11 and 12's again..but MAN you should see the muffin tops!! Oh my gosh..all of that extra skin and what not. I said I could get them on and zipped..I never said they looked good or that I would ever be caught dead out in public with them on). It sucks that you can't tell I have good taste in clothing (lemme tell ya about being a personal shopper. Lemme tell ya about people coming in and REQUESTING me because I know what's up) because I've been so financially strapped..and therefore..stuck in the old crappy stuff.

And hey..this may be a silly question..but does anyone know where I can find some Spanx around these parts (I mean real stores..not online if at all possible)? Yo..I about need some serious tummy control until I throw myself on the butcher board and tell them to hack it all off.

Hello there, ice cream..don't mind if I do.

How many times did I get off topic and not finish the original thought? Go on..let me know. Because THAT'S part of why I say I feel so stupid.


Crystal said...

I wish I was still there. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because I could have wrote this myself. Come on why didn't we meet, we even told each other, hey I don't look at all like my pics on myspace...we both said it, we should have meet, but that is probably what kept me from just saying hey this time come OVER! But then we would have became such good friends that it would have been super sad when I left...I know it.

Ah there were a few more point I wanted to comment on, but Kyler is crying.

Abby said...

Yeah.. I'm still mad at you for leaving! Heheh. I all started off early with the friend before we even moved here! And I found you! And oh man.. I was all set. But then you had to like..PCS to Lewis and leave me. Jerkface. heheh. Watch..when/if we PCS to'll leave soon after. *sniff* we would have been all pregnant together, too! whateva, Crystal..whateva. :)

Hannah said...

Hey I think you can get spanx at like JC Pennies or Dillards or other department stores. I remember seeing them somewhere cuz I giggled when I saw the name.

Friglet said...

Do you have a Mom's Club near you? I've heard that's a good way to meet other moms.

Do you have Nordstrom near you? That's where I've seen Spanx. I've also seen a knockoff version at Target, but I don't know if they're as good.