I know it seems like all I do is complain lately..and I hate that part. I'm just getting used to the way things will be for a while..and ya'll? It's *hard*.
If it were just me and Calix here..it'd be fine. We had a good routine down. However, I do not regret or resent Maddox *at all*. He wasn't totally planned..but he's keeping me together right about now. At least I have someone to snuggle with at night, right? Plus, he's totally well behaved. I couldn't ask for an easier baby at this point in time.
I could, however, ask for a better behaved toddler. And I know that sentence is just so wrong..it's super hard to have a well behaved *toddler* all the time. I get that..I know. I know this whole thing is hard on him..blah blah blah..I *know*..but effing christ give mommy a break! I know he'll adapt to having a little person around..and I know it'll take a long time to do so as well. It's just so super hard being the only one here to deal with all of this.
I just want a kid that listens to his mommy when she tells him no the first time. Or shit, even the second. Someone who doesn't tear pages out of books (at one point today..I was so tired of it all..I actually said "I don't even care anymore" and watched him rip a cover off of a book.). Someone who doesn't THROW SIPPY CUPS at his little brother (Maddox, man..I'm sorry. I didn't know I signed on to be a goalie)!!!! Someone who will eat his food. Someone who will take naps (this is totally new for him. the kid loves his bed..loves his naps.). Someone who won't crumple up into a ball on the floor and start screaming for no reason (also new).
"Well, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married an army man". Did I? And for the record..he wasn't active army at the time..and for the first like..almost year it seems..there was nothing army related going on with him..except for that he'd just come back from Iraq. How was I supposed to know? I adore the everliving daylights out of my husband..and I suppose if I didn't this whole thing wouldn't feel so impossible for me. If I didn't love him..I suppose I could just walk away. But I do. I want him. I need him. I love the life we share. I just never thought I depended on him to keep me sane as much as I apparently do.
It's been 2 days and I can honestly say I've never been more tired before in my life. I seriously want to just run and hide in a closet or something..cover my ears..close my eyes..rock back and forth and just *scream*.
This? Is the most challenging thing I've ever had to do.
I guess a plus side to all of this is I'll burn off a large part of the baby weight running myself crazy the way I have been.
I just can't wait till Calix loves Maddox longer than it takes to take a picture:
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