Wow..

I'm sitting here putting different combinations of pictures together for Myspace and I'm looking at all of these pictures of Calix when he was born. How *small* he actually was. I'm sitting here..and I can't believe I didn't freak out. I can't believe I didn't spend every minute of my day crying about the well being of my child. I'm sure a huge part of me knew he was okay and there really wasn't anything to worry about anyway..but all the same? Oh my God. This might sound strange..but you know what I think happened over these past few days? I think the shock finally wore off. I've never been one of those moms who gets worried over every little detail. In fact, I've only taken him to the doctor for his scheduled appointments. It might be because I've been taking care of other peoples' kids for so long that small things don't scare me (omg! he's got a diaper rash! omg, he has a small cold! omg! omg omg!). Of course if it were something I felt severe enough for medical attention, he'd go. It just hasn't happened. Anyway.. I think I may have had a small case of PPD (post-partum depression)..I just never knew it. I know I felt a little sad for months and months..but me? PPD? Nahhh.. I'm too strong for that shit. Besides.. I've heard stories about other peoples' struggles with PPD..and surely I didn't have it. However, I think when I was sitting in my doctor's office bleeding and having contractions..waiting for my turn to be seen all of those months ago..and that lady sitting across the room looked at her spouse..pointed to me..and said "she's in labor"..I think that's when I kind of went somewhere else (It's too early!). When my doctor printed out my file and handed it to me..then sent me to the hospital to stop labor..it didn't faze me. The next day, when the doctor went to break my water..it was too late..it'd been slowly leaking all night. When they gave me those 3 epidurals and I was dry heaving into bags..it didn't faze me. When I literally felt Calix "drop".. it worried me a little because no doctors were around. Three pushes..didn't faze me. I watched my baby come out of myself..and I said "that's my baby" but it didn't feel real. I saw nurses rushing around as I sat there *smiling*...no fear as to what's going on. No concern. I guess I didn't believe it. They flashed my child in front of me just long enough for Orion to get a picture..and then rushed him down to the NICU where I didn't get to *see* him for a day and a half. It still didn't faze me. Sure, I cried a little bit..but most of the time I was telling jokes and trying to get everyone else to not think about what just happened. I don't know.. I just feel so much better than I did days ago. I feel happier..lighter..I feel like the mom I was supposed to be this entire time. I feel like before I was just coasting by doing the things I was supposed to be doing..kind of like a robot. Very difficult to explain.. but when Orion said "my cuddle's back!" this morning (because right when I woke up, I started cleaning and making him coffee and blah blah blah..)..I don't think he understood how back I actually am.
Or maybe..just maybe.. I made all of this up because my hormones are getting the best of me. I just know I'm different.