Fresh start

Last night, I informed Orion of my plan. I shouldn't really ever do this because then he starts to..ya know..expect things. And usually, when I say I'll get up at 5:30..I don't. Sleep just always sounds so much better than..functioning.

But, I held true to my word this time. I got up at 5:30 with him, put a sports bra on..laced up my walking shoes..and as he left the house to go to PT, I slowly opened the sliding glass door (so the kids wouldn't stir), turned the fan on..and after a little stretching..put my headphones on then stepped onto the treadmill.

You see..I cried last night. I cried because of the way I look. I don't find myself appealing..so why should he, ya know? He does..I know he does..but goodness..I just wish I resembled the way I looked when we met. I'd worked SO hard the summer before that to lose 60 pounds..which I did..but then I made some friends (who always came around during my work out time..and stayed around till bedtime) and began partying my days away instead of staying focused and within days, I stopped exercising altogether. I was slender and had (what I think) was a nice body for the first time in my life. I cling to those days because it just felt *so* good to exercise and actually get results. I didn't start gaining weight again until a couple of years later when I got pregnant with Calix. I told myself I could lose those 48 pounds I gained with him because I'd done it before. Ah, yes..I'd done it before..without a child and being very consumed with *me*. There was no way, with a preemie especially, I could get outside and walk 7+ miles a day..do a thousand crunches..dance in nothing but high heels and underpants..and lift weights..during the winter months in Colorado. Orion left after Christmas that year to go to Virginia to do some training in order to go active with the army. So there I was with a 3 month old teenie little super guy who I was trying my hardest to make gain weight. I was put on the back burner. I was just concentrated on my new baby and doing everything alone (and there are people that can tell you Calix just never cried..because as soon as he would start..I'd be right there to pick him up. Life was all about him.). Orion came home..we moved to Kentucky..and then BAM..guess who's pregnant again? Me. Great. 32 more pounds were slapped back onto my body after I'd barely lost *any* weight from my first pregnancy. Orion then left for Afghanistan after Maddox was born..but when he was a mere 5 days old (I'd been home from the hospital for a day before he left)..and a semi-preemie. Not 2 months premature like Calix was..but still a month. I had to get used to a jealous toddler and a starving newborn on my own with no outside help (I didn't know anyone in Kentucky until well after Orion was gone) for the first few weeks before my niece Lyndsay came out to help for a week. And soon after, my sister, Jenna. It felt nice to be able to breathe. To not be in a constant stressed out sweat. Anyway..so time went on..the weight I'd gained from the Maddox pregnancy all came off. But I still had Calix's weight lingering. I got a gym membership..and weight started coming off..little by little I was getting some sort of a shape again. Orion came home..I stopped working out. We moved to Hawaii and lived off of fast food and other various not good for you things because we lived in a hotel for a month and I had no real way of cooking. Not that that's an awesome excuse..but it is what it is. So as you can imagine, I wasn't completely shocked when the doctor told me my weight a couple of weeks ago.

Well, that was a long explanation of my weight issues. Anyway, so I cried. I long for a body I don't literally have to stuff into clothing. So I got up at 5:30 and worked out. It's much easier to do it that way because it sets the tone for the day and I don't have to worry about trying to squeeze it in while the kids are up throughout the day. And getting dressed and made up..only to later work out..is stupid and wasteful and poor planning. So..I'm going to make it a point to be up that early to exercise then hop into the shower and be dressed and ready for the day before the kids are even up. Which is what happened today. I was even sitting down here reading blogs and sipping on coffee before 7.


My goal is to boost the treadmill routine up by a quarter mile a day (I only started with 1 mile because it's been a while) until I reach 4 miles and then when I get bored with that, I'll boost it up some more and maybe I'll get to where I'm doing 7+ miles like I used to..and heck..maybe I'll start running. Then I have the leg magic machine (which literally works muscles you didn't even know you had. Good golly gosh) and weight bench (but I doubt I'll be benching anything anytime soon as I have no dreams of looking like a bodybuilder) and of course, my trusty ab roller. I hope to get a boxing bag someday.

This is all why I can't get pregnant anytime soon. I want to take some time to work on me and that can't happen if I'm constantly popping babies out. It's time.








Also..the cutest moment ever is going on behind me. Calix and Maddox are sitting on a bench at the table and Calix is taking turns feeding himself and Maddox yogurt. A little messy..but totally precious.