Day 15

I haven't really had much to say lately. Life is life..same old same old boringness. It's been too cold and snowy to take the boys out anywhere..not that I really have anywhere to go but shopping anyway (or parks..but like I said..cold)..and there just isn't extra monies for shopping this time around. Plus, I kinda prefer to shop online. I find way better deals and it doesn't involve the huge production of getting everyone up, dressed, fed, packed, out the door, and loaded into the car. I'm just one person afterall. While I do know going places is better for me..ya know..socially and things of the such..yeah, I'm just too tired.

Plus, I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. It's officially past the 2 week FTX (field training exercise) mark..and aside from the whole Virginia thing last year, FTX's are the longest stretch of time I'm ever without Orion. I know I don't have *time* to be depressed and mope around like I feel like I need to do..I just feel so empty. Someone's definitely missing from my life and it's really starting to take its toll on me. It's rough, man. While I don't *want* to be so sad..I'm obviously going to be. Orion's such a huge part of my life that I was silly in thinking I'd be broken up for a couple of days and then just get on with life and wait for the day he gets to come home. He's my rock.

I also don't want to look at that "In case of death" letter that's sitting in the freezer and I'm banned from reading..ya know..unless.. Anyway, I don't want to look at it anymore. Do you know how hard it is for me to *not* open it?? ME!! I just wanna know what it says. I'm sure it's extra sad and I'll cry my ass off and regret opening it.. but I just wanna know.

I've also started to get all weepy over Maddox. Ya know..the motherly tears..the "oh my god, you're so beautiful" crap. They happened right away with Calix..and I was starting to wonder if they'd happen with Maddox ever. Yeah..they have. It's mostly just when it's mom and Maddox time (after Calix goes to bed at night). I cradle him in my arms..and stroke his precious blonde hair with my fingers. He stares up at me..makes a few really sweet faces and the tears. The tears! I can't believe he's mine! I can't believe I helped make that! He's just so wonderful. Then the tears that are full of love..turn to tears that are so full of..apology. I feel awful for self inducing him (I can't tell you how much that eats away at me)..yet grateful that Orion was able to be there. Orion.. man. It breaks my heart that he's missing out on what feels like so much! I know he was there for Calix's very first milestones (most of them anyway)..but I hate that he doesn't know this person. I hate that he can't be here to snuggle with the 2 of us in bed and just love on this tiny little bundle. I hate that he's missing out on all of the squishy goodness of a newborn baby!

I feel like I cry too much lately..and that there's no point in even putting make up on because of it. I hate getting dressed..and I wish laying around in jammies and being greasy with little spikey hairs popping up all over the place was actually comfortable and not ya know..gross feeling.

I don't feel like this all the time. Please, I totally shaved my legs today because yo (no fah reals..it'd been like 3 weeks! grody!). There are days when I can't wait till there's extra money for me to take care of myself. Get my hair done professionally for the first time ever. Get a manicure..get my very first real pedicure (seriously. I know..sad.). Get a tanning membership! I have way too much potential to let myself go too much. I feel gross enough with this extra fat as it is. I can't wait to get out there when my body's completely healed (I actually started working out the other day..but then started bleeding..so I need to take it slower apparently) and get rid of it again! I have dreams of how I want to look when Orion finally comes home in December..and then I get depressed and don't even brush my teeth till really late in the day.