It must just be one of those tough days. If Flinger thought her day was bad..I seriously wrote to my husband and told him I didn't think I loved Calix anymore. Ouch, right?
It went a little something like this:
Don't worry..I totally retracted it:
It went a little something like this:
Another thing that kind of has me worried..is that I
don't think I love Calix anymore. I mean.. I know I'm
supposed to love him..and I'm sure that deep down I
do..but I have this other small person now..and he's
just so damn wonderful, O. Maddox is seriously..the
best. I feel so awful saying that, honey..but I don't
know what to do. I'm not sure how to split a love like
that..especially when the other child in question just
seems so..oafy..and grubby. I look at Calix with his
thunder thighs and block feet..and crusted snot all
over his face (no matter how many times I wipe him
up..it's always there!)..and chubby hands that have
god knows what on them..and he almost makes me sick.
Like..I don't want him to touch me. I don't know what
to do! I tell him I love him all the time..but I'm not
sure that I actually mean it anymore. It's probably
the worst feeling I've ever ever had before in my
life. Like..I know I love him.. I know I'm supposed to
love him. Do you think maybe it's just that he's so
sick that's making him so grubby (it's not like I
don't bathe the kid!)? And that he's acting like a
little terror that makes me question any kind of love
I've ever felt for him? I just don't know. I probably
shouldn't have said anything. A normal wife and/or
mother probably would have kept her mouth shut and her
feelings to herself.. but we all know I'm not like
everyone else. I really want to know if what I'm
feeling is normal. I guess I just feel like I've
accidentally played the favorites game..and Maddox
won.
Well..now that I feel like a complete bitch and the
worst mother ever..
I'm in tears. But! I love you. I love you every
single day.Don't worry..I totally retracted it:
I take it back. I take everything I said about Calix
back. While at times I do question the whole
thing..after I wrote what I wrote, I went downstairs
to clean him up from dinner. He looked me in the eyes
and saw I was crying. He looked so sad for me. I
picked him up and hugged him so tight..kissed him all
over his messy face and told him over and over again
that I love him. I do, O..I do. But you already knew
that.
I guess sometimes I get so frazzled..and I focus on
the negative things that have happened throughout the
day. He's a mighty big handful..but how can I ever say
that I don't love my son??? We spent the last 45
minutes of his awake time on the couch cuddling. He
had his toy phone up there with us..and we were
calling you on it. He would pick up the receiver and
say "hi" and then hand me the phone..and I'd say a few
things about how we love you and miss you and things
of the such..and then he'd grab the phone from me..put
it to his ear and say "dad? hi" uber clear as day, O.
He misses you more than you could ever know.
So do I.
I'm not crazy..I'm just..frazzled.
2 comments:
Hey! You must be on here right now! Are my comments getting on your nerves? I hope not! I hope I'm not some old lady who's spoiling your party. I love you so much, and it's so fun to check in with you.
Wanted to tell you...you're normal. I too on occasion don't like my kids. I know I always love them somewhere deep inside, but sometimes I can't stand them for one reason or another. It's hard when they get bigger and can act for themselves. It's much sweeter when they're all new and fresh and adore you and just lay there. I know exactly what you mean. I love that you are so honest with your feelings, Ab. It's always the healthy thing to do to just put it out there and risk it so that someone else can take a deep breath and say, "Oh, good. She feels it too. I'm not the ONLY horrible mother." You're a great mom. I hate snotty-nosed kids touching me too. :)
You're not old, Jenna..and you could never spoil my "party" (though I haven't been to one in AGES it seems haha). I'm just glad you're not judging me..because I know I'm not an angel.
I thought that perhaps this whole thing was normal..but no one really ever talks about it...so I felt I needed to write it down. Someone..someday..will stumble upon this and not feel alone. Being a mom is super hard..but mostly worth it.
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