Flashbacks

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night. For some reason the car accident from a couple of years ago kept replaying itself in my head. Every last detail. What it must have looked like from my mom's point of view when she drove up. What it must have looked like from the rearview mirrors of the friends in cars in front of us. I heard it all over again.

I thought about Kristin's parents. I thought about Kristin laying in the emergency room bleeding and crying and her parents standing over her. I thought about how after I left her side to go see my mom..how she told her parents it was me driving. I thought about the look her parents gave me when I came back in the room. I thought about how I never apologized to them. I thought about how scared I was.

I thought about Rachael saying she needed to put her seatbelt on moments before it was too late. I thought about seeing Rachael flopping around all sides of the (I believe it was an 83 or something..maybe 87 at most) Pathfinder in my peripheral vision..as we we rolling. I thought about how after the car stopped rolling and spinning and sliding..how Rachael was *screaming* for help and to be let out of the damn car.

I thought about those slow motion moments that forever replay in my head when I knew we'd reached the point of no return. That there was no way the way we were going could be fixed. I thought about how I turned the steering wheel to the right so we wouldn't crash into houses..and how I knew we were screwed. I thought about how I brought my knees up to my chest..curled up into a ball and said "shit" before we started rolling.

I thought about all of this and so much more..and it scared the crap out of me all over again. I found myself all curled up next to Orion last night..wanting to wake him up and tell him I couldn't sleep and why I couldn't..but I knew he had to be up early and didn't want to bother him. So I stayed curled up with my arm around him and the side of my face pressed up against his naked back.

I then started thinking about everything awful I've ever done in my life. Everything I'm not proud of. And the majority of it all..happened when I was 20 and 21. But mostly in the year of 21. That feeling of invincibility. Everyone loved me..I got away with so much. I don't know how else to describe it other than invincibility.


I've grown and matured so much since those days..even if they were only a few years ago. It's amazing the growth one can accomplish when they have another life (or 2) to be responsible for. You can't be selfish anymore.