I'm exhausted. I'm thinking about how this day has just started (okay, I've been up for 3 hours..but still) and about how many things I need to do around the house..and about how I have to go pick up a gallon or 2 of milk for Calix and about how I really don't want to because geeze, I need to do laundry (have I ever told you what even fits me anymore besides delicious jammies? probably around 5 shirts..3 pairs of pants and 2 skirts..both of which I'm not wearing out because hello? that calls for shaving legs and then moisturizing..plus it's super chilly out.) I need sweaters and things of the such because I totally wasn't pregnant through the winter months with Calix..and geeze, maternity clothes are expensive especially when you're not going to be wearing them SO much longer. But I'm tired..I need a break from this kid. Love him as much as I do..he's insane. He's into EVERYTHING all the time! I'm tired of telling him "no" and putting him in his playpen. I'm tired of chasing up the stairs after him (let me tell ya how fast that kid is. holy. crap.). I'm tired of waking up so many times in the middle of the night (not actually getting out of bed unless he's crying) because he's teething so hard. AND..he climbs whatever he can. He scales his playpen (which hello? also scares me..because omg..he'll be flipping out of his crib soon!). He pushes his walking/ride on car thing over to the couch, climbs that and then from there climbs onto the couch. He tries to knock the lamp over ALL the time (also? it's a frigging touch lamp. floor touch lamp..so he sits next to it? AND TAPS IT CONSTANTLY) and I feel like I can't get rid of the lamp because then we wouldn't have any light in that room at all. He's forever playing with the phone and pushing the table away from the wall so the phone falls..or picking up the receiver and dialing..or trying to answer it when it rings..and I think about how I wish I could move that phone..but that there are a total of 2 phone jacks in the house..and how there's nowhere else to put it because it totally doesn't mount onto the wall and that the table's glass and I'm scared that he'll break it somehow and get all kinds of hurt.. and HOLY CRAP I NEED A BREAK.
I miss Orion to an extreme. I hate when he's gone because I can't just pass Calix off to him when I need a nap or anything. And then I think about 'oh my gosh, he's leaving in a few months..and then I'll be dealing with him and a newborn all by myself for a YEAR without a break' and how scary that sounds to me. Part of me feels like I'm not ready to be a mom..but then a huge part is screaming at me because oh my gosh I can't imagine my life without him.. and reminding me that he's not always this hard to deal with..but that he's teething and testing limts and STOP crumbling under pressure, Abby, GEEZE!

I don't know. I miss my husband. I miss us. I hate that we haven't been on a date in over a year. I hate that we've never even gone on a honeymoon and that yes, I know we'll go on a cruise or something when Orion comes back from Afghanistan but I've been reading the news and I know things have gotten a bit worse out there and what if my husband's one of the guys who doesn't come home? and holy crap I can't be a single mother. I can't have my kids not know who their daddy is and how great of a man he is and how he's the only person who's ever treated their mother so well. They need to know him..he needs to be here. And I hate feeling like I have to be so strong and not really show anyone how much I'm actually hurting and about how I think about *needing* to dance with Orion the night before he leaves and about how I actually thought about him being gone a couple of days ago and how I wondered how I'd even leave the parking lot after dropping him off..and about how I'd end up sitting in the car just crying because I need him so much and please don't leave me because I can't do it without you and oh my gosh, I feel like I'm going to throw up.