the day before Calix decided to arrive. They were
trying to stop labor.
After he rolled out. This nurse was the best..
and I only knew her name during actual labor.
She later flooded my room. LOVE HER.
I got to hold him for a cool 5 seconds before they
rushed him off and didn't let me see him for the
next 2 days.
Orion was allowed in though. He brought me
back many pictures.
The pictures haven't stopped since.
and here's a little flashback from last year:
September 26th 11:23am
I'm bleeding. I'm fucking bleeding..and orion's not here.
I went to bed f pain last night.. figured it would just go away..whatever.. but every time I went to adjust myself during the night, it just felt like something was stabbing my left side. finally, around 6:30 I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, and I couldn't. nope. I had to go really bad.. and I couldn't get up without screaming. it finally woke orion up.. and he was just like "we're going to the hospital" "no. we don't need to. I just need help getting up" he called my mom and told her we were going.. I was screaming and crying in the background..and then he called 911 for an ambulance ride over there. maybe they could get me out of bed, right? I finally pushed myself to get out of bed.. and by the time I got done brushing my teeth, the god damn paramedics were in my bedroom asking me questions. I finally told them I could walk far enough to get to the car.. and have orion drive me.
anyway, I sat in the god damn hospital bed for 3 hours before.. dun dun dunnn..Dr fucking Cohen..(the one I requested not to see anymore) came in to see me (apparently he like.. hangs out there in the mornings..) he was like "what's the problem, dumb dumb?" and immediately, orion's like "don't call my wife a dumb dumb." they stared at eachother for a few seconds..and then cohen called me "kiddo" the remainder of the time he was in my room. which wasn't very long at all. he was talking so fast..then was like "okay, I'm going to give you a pelvic exam" shoved his god damn fingers in me "ouch" lol.. and he was like "well, you're going to have a really easy delivery" "why do you say that?" "because his head's all the way down. he's ready.. but your cervix is still closed"
blah blah blah. I know I'm having severe contractions and I'm fucking bleeding..which means I should probably head on back to the hospital. however, I have a doctor's appointment in like 2 hours..I have to deliver my 24 hour collection of urine..and cohen wants to put me on meds. obviously I'll tell dr grube about the bloodiness..though I doubt I'll need to after they get my urine sample and there's lil red swirls all up in it. but whatever. I guess.. camera gets packed into my purse for this trip..just in case.
Gramps..my mom's boyfriend David (I asked him if he'd like to be a grandfather..I'm sure I've written it down before) has his bags packed and is ready to catch the next flight out as soon as he gets the "it's time" call. he's so darling. I asked him if he'd like to be in the delivery room...it's something he's never experienced..and probably never would have gotten the chance to..had I not asked. he's so excited about the whole thing. I told my mom they can both be in there.. I just don't want any crotch gawkers. she said he wouldn't.. but just being in the room..would make him very happy.
oooo...god damn..ouch.. it almost..feels like menstrual cramps, ya know? oh my god.. I didn't miss them at all.
I think I should call my mom and let her in on the fact that I'm bleeding.. a lot. though, I did read that spotting happens after a pelvic exam. this isn't spotting. nope. pretty scary stuff.
September 30th 10:19pm
on monday I was bleeding.. but also having contractions that were about 6 minutes apart..and only lasting like 15 seconds. I figured they were just braxton hicks.. and went to my doctor's appointment anyway..if anything just to deliver my 24 hour urine collection. so I sat in the waiting room with my contractions. people were looking at me..I caught a girl's eyes as she was telling her boyfriend I was in labor. haha. finally got in to see dr grube..she did a pelvic exam.. and an ultrasound..then sent me to the hospital to try to stop my pre-labor (at this point, the staff in labor and delivery were very familiar with me). they hooked me up to a magnesium drip (the most they give anyone is 4 grams.. I was at 3)..glucose drip..normal everyday saline drip..some pain medication drip that begins with an 'n'..and an antibiotic drip. then they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine..and an oxygen mask..then they gave me a steroid shot in my hip to make sure Calix's lungs were mature..if he were to come early. and who can forget the lovely catheter they stuck me with. they did what dr womack called "the big guns" to try to stop him from coming. I was only dilated 1 cm..and was 50% effaced. spent the night..if you call people coming in every half hour to poke at you..take your blood at 5 in the morning.. empty your urine bag.. the beeps from the IV machine going off to signal a needed bag change..the oxygen machine going off because it doesn't think you're getting enough oxygen.. and god forbid you open your mouth just a crack to sleep better. that'll set that bitch right off. the blood pressure cuff going off every 15 minutes..my nurse changing my bloody bed pads..and then contractions..all..fucking.. night. I probably got a cool 45 minutes monday night. I'd informed my mother (obviously) that calix was probably going to come..so she called david and he hopped on a flight..got here around midnight monday night. monday morning I was still in a lot of pain..my contractions were kicking my ass..and I was just plain tired. dr cohen checked me at about 12:00 and I was only 4 centimeters dilated..so he decided he was just going to rupture my membranes and deliver the kiddo. mom and david finally showed up around 11..I got my epidural..but it only numbed my right side..so I was still dying in my left..curling up on my left side and gripping the bed bars during contractions..and while micah, jonah, and katie were visiting with me.. I swear to god I was like.. blacking out from them..they were just coming more and more frequently..so they got kicked out of the room.. and they tried to redo my epidural.. all I heard was something wouldn't pump..or something along those lines and "we have to redo it" I was like "no.. please.. please no" throwing up bile into bags (oh, at this point, I hadn't eaten anything in about 36 hours..they wouldn't give me water..and were being bitches about giving me ice. I was dry..and angry about it) and I'm sure a few tears trickled down my face (anyone who's had an epidural knows it sucks for a few minutes..I had it fucking done 3 god damn fucking times!) it kicked in immediately (it was now about 12:55)..and I layed down to close my eyes and hopefully get a bit of sleep in before the fun started. the door opened and my mom and david came back in.. "she's sleeping" I opened my eyes.. and bam.. I felt him drop.. and felt him drop hard so I said "someone get a doctor..he's right there.. I swear" so a nurse comes in and is like "oh, pressure's normal" "no, that's his head. feel it" so she stuck her fingers in and all of a sudden bells were going off looking for the closest doctor. I went from 4 cms to 10 in a matter of minutes. ooo I wanted to push so bad.. but none of my doctors were there anymore.. they figured they had a bit of time and headed back to the office to see some patients.. they were like "can you wait 10 minutes for cohen to get here?" "no! I need someone now!" my mom's in the corner like "pant, abby, pant" and I was.. and then finally a doctor I didn't even know came in.. but at this point.. who gives a fuck? they dropped the bottom half of the bed.. threw my legs in stirrups (like i could lift them.. I couldn't even feel them)..orion ended up holding one of my legs back.. and a nurse had the other. told me to push.. I did..waited till the next contraction.. pushed again..and then by the next contraction.. boom.. there's my baby boy. "for being as early as he is, he sure has a lot of hair" and I laughed.. pointed to orion "he's why" I looked at orion and he was crying.. like a man, of course. it's 1:15pm and he's looking at me and telling me he's so proud of me and my mom and david are across the room holding eachother and crying and my mom's telling me I'm amazing..I look back at orion and he's telling me he loves me and thanking me for giving him that opportunity.. and while I'm getting my 2 stitches, orion's cutting the umbilical cord.. and I'm laughing.. and telling people to take pictures.. because the whole thing happened so fast no one even had time to grab their cameras. no one got to hold him.. a nurse brought him over to me..finally.. and held him in front of me.. and then off they all went to NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit). after a while, they wheeled me back into the room I was staying in..and as I was laying there.. they tried to wheel another girl into my room..nurses are yelling "no! not in here!" and she was holding her baby. that's when it hit me. I don't get to hold my baby. I don't get to have my baby in my room with me..and it just started to break my heart. I bucked up in front of everyone and put on a good show..making everyone laugh..but at night when I'd be in the room alone with orion (yes, he stayed with me the entire time I was there).. I'd start crying. I wanted my baby. he's mine, isn't he? why can't I hold him? I just wanted to be with him and snuggle with him..and they wouldn't let me. I didn't get to go down to NICU until the next day. they were telling me they were going to take me off of the magnesium at 1:30..and then I could go down there. but when wednesday came.. they took me off the mag at 1:30, yes.. but then told me I had to wait an hour for it to wear off a bit. and then they decided to put me on more drips.. and then it was "okay.. in an hour.. I'm going to give you a shower and then we'll wheel you down to your new room in post partum" and then it was "they're waiting for your room to be ready" on and on and on. I didn't get out of that room until about 6pm...and by then I was so anxious I could have wet my pants (hey, the catheter was finally out, too.. so it could have happened). I smiled the whole way there.. even though there was a crazy strung out lady pushing me (I thought we were going to smack into so many walls..) and she wheeled me in to see my baby. I've never been so happy.. but felt so weird about the entire thing before in my entire life. like he wasn't my baby, ya know? like I was just visiting someone else's kid. but he was passed around a bit.. mom and david finally got a chance to hold him.. orion held him for the first time (his first time holding *any* baby.. and it's a 4 pound premie).. and then I was wheeled back to my room to order something for dinner..and rest up a bit. later that night, I wanted to walk on my own down to NICU..and when we got there.. his nurse for the night was acting so crazy.. she was like..yelling at me for taking an interest in my son, ya know? so I went back to my room with a saddened heart..feeling like no one wanted me to have anything to do with my own child..and I'll tell ya.. that's one of the worst feelings in the world. the next day, his morning nurse was a bit nicer..and talked to us about classes we can take with him.. and let us hold him for a while.. so that made me happy.. but I still felt unfulfilled (and I will till he comes home) I got started on pumping milk for him.. and happily taking it down to the nursery myself..and every time they would be like "wow! you're doing such a great job! he really needs this" and he'd gobble it all up.. but I'd still cry and long for him at night. we did a "kangaroo care" class with him this morning.. and I cried. kangaroo care (for those who don't know) is when you get to snuggle your baby..your bare chest to his (which is what some of those pictures are.. of me and calix..and orion and calix) it helps with his development (kind of like he's still in the womb)..and gets him to be more acquainted with us. it's so fantastic. he was smiling and opening his eyes to look up at me. dr johnson came in to tell me whether or not they'd let me go home (yeah.. I had to stay 2 extra days because of my blood pressure) and I was like "if you took it right now.. it'd be perfect" it's one of those things where.. I've never.. ever had high blood pressure before in my life.. but in the last week of pregnancy.. it was just fucking up there. so I was like "dr johnson.. I say you just send me home with a prescription for the stuff I've been taking. I mean, it's not going to go down while I'm here. the entire situation is just stressful. I'm not getting any sleep at night.. I'm worried about my child.. I'm not in my environment..it's not like I hang out at hospitals for fun, ya know? just release me.. let me go home.. and make me come into the office periodically to check my blood pressure" and he did just that. released me with a prescription and an appointment to come in and see him on tuesday. when they took my blood pressure after kangaroo class.. it was the lowest it'd been since I'd been there. we got to go in and actually feed calix ourselves before we left..we were told we could give him a bath.. but then they decided it was too early.. and they were afraid of his IV during the entire thing..but that when we come in to feed him tomorrow, we can watch his first bath..and then from there little by little take over the whole production. on our way out, the head doctor of the hospital stopped us to tell us how proud he is of calix..and how well he's doing..and that his colleagues are coming in over the weekend and he wants to share calix's story with them.. because for how early he was.. he didn't have anything wrong with him. he's my lil engine that could. hehe.
I'm still feeling a bit euphoric from the night time feeding we did with him at 9. I know.. I know he eats every 3 hours.. but it's hard for me to get home.. pump for him.. and bring it by without living at the hospital again. but I do what I can. at least it's better than nothing. there are mothers that have their premie..and then just leave it up to the staff to feed and do everything else. no interaction till the baby comes home. it's terrible, really. but we try to be there as much as we can and take active roles in holding..feeding.. changing his diapers..so it's not weird when he finally does come home.
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