Day 15

I've felt so caught up in my mommy mind lately that I haven't given much thought to my wife mind. I've been feeling so so stressed out and just tired. So tired. It's hard doing this alone. No friends or family in sight. Not easy, that's for sure. I'm trying.

Today was actually the easiest-going day yet. The kids were just happy. Minimal yelling. This makes me happy. Also, it opened up the room to consider my husband. Which is so alien to me...not considering my marriage. But when he's here, he helps. When he helps, I'm not stressed and it allows me the time to focus on us. To be cute and lovey and annoy him just a little. But, you know, he's not here and I'm going going going from children up to children down (and most nights since he's been away, in the middle of the night too.). By the end of the day, I'm beat. I've been going to bed around 9 lately. That's new.

So, my mind is open, and I'm thinking about him. I miss him incredibly deeply. My best friend. My very best friend in this whole world. This big old house feels so strange..so lonely without him. Like there's an entire void where he should be. At the table, on the couch, walking beside me, and talking to the children. I still look over to where he would be for input. It's so dang strange.

Sometimes, I think, 'Man! Time must be flying!' because there's just been so much going on. And then I look at the date. Oh. It's only been 15 days. Sigh.

Must. Keep. Busy.

And just like that..

So, Sir left. With all of the crying and blubbering I had done in the months leading up to this and the FEAR I felt at going at this "alone", I thought I'd have been a huge mess when it actually came time to part ways.

 I wasn't. I welled up with tears a few times...but only a few spilled out and down over my cheeks where he'd catch and gently wipe them away. I guess I was pretty much cried out by then. We snuck away for a little bit of privacy because who wants to hug and kiss and cry in front of everyone? Not me. I took a few pictures (am I the queen of self-portraits by now or what? hahaha!) before sending him on his way. Not goodbye. We said, "see you later" because we will. He headed back but turned around one last time. We waved. I shouted, "I love you!" and he was gone. Just like that...he was gone.

 I'm not entirely sure how I made the 20 minute drive home (and apparently to Wendy's first because it was 2pm and I hadn't even had breakfast). My head was buzzing. Everything felt foggy. I felt completely out of it...but focused on the road at the same time. No tears have spilled since. I've welled up...but no spillage quite yet. I think when it becomes clearer that he's in Afghanistan and not in the field, I'll cry more. I think that when the kids stop tiptoeing around me and start acting like their wild selves again, I'll beg for mercy and a break and there won't be a man to say, "babe, go take a break...I'll handle the kids" and then I'll cry.

 Adjusting. We're all adjusting. I said on Facebook that it's comparable to the feeling a house has when a new baby is added to the mix. You know that...buzzy...quiet...strange feeling that comes with a new baby? That's exactly what this feels like..except, I have no new baby and my husband is gone.


We'll be okay. All 5 of us.

A Much-Needed Break

I thought I'd take a little time away from Facebook so I could focus more of my energy on my little family and making memories in these last however many days we have left together til next year.

Facebook was getting bad for me. It became this automatic thing I did because I was always logged-in on my phone. I can't even tell you the last time I sat at an actual computer. Gadgets these days, huh? Haha. It became this..automatic thing, I guess. When I woke up in the morning, I'd turn off my alarm and go straight to Facebook to catch up on what happened while I slept. All throughout the day, if I were bored or lonely, if there were pauses in conversation or during a commercial break. And even during dates with my husband. That's the one I'm the most ashamed of. These dates that are so rare..and I'm on Facebook scrolling. It was time for a break. I'll be back, of course. Ideally, on the 22nd when Orion heads back to work for the last few days. We'll see how long I can last. ;)

Yesterday, a bird somehow flew down our chimney and flapped around in the wood-burning stove for hours until it finally found its way up and out. I reached for my phone to talk about it with 130 of my "closest" friends before I'd realized what I was doing, chuckled to myself, and put my phone down.

Today, egg dyeing is on the agenda. Thanks to Pinterest and super creative people, we'll be doing so with KoolAid. The beautiful colors caught my eye..plus, no stinky vinegar! We'll see how it goes..just as soon as I track down Berry Blue..or whatever it's called. Walmart had most flavors except for blue and, dang it, I want beautiful blue eggs!

Funny, I was going through the (expired) KoolAid packets I already had when Calix saw me. "What's that?" "KoolAid" "...what's KoolAid?" I guess he's never had any. I'm not complaining.

Another thing I'm excited to be doing again..taking pictures with my actual camera! I love my phone to pieces..but, man..my Nikon takes way better photos. I need to use it more.

Time for me to get dressed and head out for that dang blue KoolAid. Have a jolly day, folks. Here's to not taking family for granted. Time is not a promise..spend it wisely. <3

This Time

He's leaving again soon. I know I've had a vague countdown on Facebook for a while now and everyone must be thinking, 'you've been saying "soon" for months now!' Well, yeah, but that's because I cannot give accurate dates. Know that it's in the thirties. High end? Low end? Does it matter? Not really.
Anyway, so we're dealing with that. It got me thinking about the last time. We'd been married for a short year and a half. We had a 16 1/2 month old Calix and a 5 day old Maddox. We were still learning so much about one another. It's so strange to think of myself from that time (and to be able to go back and read the posts from that time). I was so young. Thrust into this life I knew nothing about. Kind of shocking to the system, really, when I think back on it.

Our 8th wedding anniversary falls shortly after he leaves this time. The boys are 7 and 6 and we've added Kaydence to the mix since. She's 2. We're older (though, not much), a bit wiser, and still completely into one another. I think we've got this one..no problem. Hopefully, there won't be as many tears from me this time since I won't be dealing with a brand new baby and a toddler on my own. Though, a mouthy 7 year old brings its own challenges. And summer vacation with 3 kids on my own will prove to be difficult, I'm sure. I'll do my best.

Something else we've been thinking about - the countdown sex. It didn't happen last time. I think the last time we did was the night before Maddox was born when we still weren't positive that he was leaving..and then, ya know, I had JUST given birth and my body was in no condition for that sort of action. I couldn't even sit down to drive him and see him off. We hugged and kissed and cried our asses off at home, he called a cab, and off he went in the cold February night. That was a hard night for me. I brought newborn Maddox into bed with me and I cried most of the night.

But this time, we know when..almost down to the hour. And it seems so silly and morbid to think of it this way..but random acts happen and you just never know. Will the last time we're naked and entangled in one another be the very last time ever? That feels so sad to think about..but it's also a very real..very sobering thought. Of course everyone hopes for the best..but, still. So, we've definitely got countdown sexings on the brain.

He's got 4 more days left of work before he's out for the Easter holiday and then his 19 days of leave begin. We have a trip to Canada planned during that time..and as much naked time together as we can possibly get.

Here we go.

11-10-11

Hi, it's been a while. Heh. I'm not going to do the whole, 'I've been such a bad blogger!' thing, because, whatever...I'm here. You can't ask for more than that.

I was forming some baked doughnuts for tomorrow morning...the first bits of Christmas melodies in the background (that Pandora!) and apple cinnamon candles were filling the air. Two of my children were under my feet trying to help with the doughnuts (really, I gave them some dough to play with/eat/whatever/JUST DON'T STICK IT TO ANYTHING OR THROW IT AT ONE ANOTHER) and when I was done with that, I shredded the pork loin that had been cooking in the crock pot all day and tossed it around in some BBQ sauce.

Avoiding the stack of dishes in the sink, I headed out to the deck to feed the birds (what's left of them) and squirrels. The boys lost track of me for a whole 3 seconds and hurried out to find their mother (I swear, they think I'm going to run away. I don't know *where* they got that from! Haha!) and then we all saw a beautiful sight, "Oh, I wish I had my camera with me right now!" I said. "Go get it!" answered Calix. "But it'll all be over by the time I get back and I don't want to miss this." "It won't be, I promise. Go get the camera!". So I hustled into the house and grabbed the camera from the office and scurried back outside.

This is what we saw (though, it was far more glorious in person):

It's hard to tell, but there were thousands upon thousands of birds. The group felt so endless. The boys and I watched in awe and they kept saying things like, "this is so beautiful" (those tender kids of mine!) as I snapped away.

Unbeknownst to the kids, the camera that was snapping away the most was the one in my mind. I can't ask for lovelier memories than these.

Week 30!

We're 30 weeks today! How exciting! 10 weeks left (but probably less with my history haha)!

I had plans to go to the commissary today to pick up the last of the fresh produce and a couple of other minor things for Thanksgiving..but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I've been feeling a bit of pressure and even small bits of sharp type pains..but I'm hoping they're just stretching type pains. She's been moving around like CRAZY all morning and there are no contractions (though, LOTS of Braxton Hicks last night)..so I'm pretty sure we're in the clear. Just trying to relax and take it easy for the day. Totally annoying because there's so much I want to get done!

Our hospital bags are packed (minus a couple of things like nursing bras, underpants, and socks and then the easy grabs like cameras, phones, and makeup) because we've been down this road before. When I went into labor with Calix at 32 weeks, we literally just went to the hospital (as per instructions) without anything and Orion ended up making a trip or 2 back home after I was settled in to fetch some things. Maddox at 36 1/2 weeks was a fast grab and go sort of situation as well. So this time? Orion was bound and determined at like..27 weeks to be packed hahaha. So we are.

I've been trying my best to keep up with the housework (okay, my bedroom and bathroom could use a good cleaning) and keeping the fridge, freezer, and pantry stocked so that WHEN we have to head out and Amy comes to stay with the boys (and if it happens during school days, Calix won't be going for a day or 2 just because it's an added hassle for Amy and I'd like to keep her life as easy as possible while she's here.), there won't be hunger issues hahaha (though, with couponing and stockpiling the way I do, I don't think that would be an issue anyway. But still.).

Her nursery is all set and ready to go (if you just looked past all of the presents wrapped and waiting for tags and bows)...we're ready. The most prepared we've EVER been for a child..and that feels so so good. We've certainly come a LONG way in 5 years and that makes me feel so proud.

Wednesday morning, I have another COB (complicated OB) appointment (it is also Orion's 29th birthday!), Thursday is, obviously, Thanksgiving and I'm hoping I won't crumble in the kitchen because we're having company over for dinner and ya know..I just can't crumble. Then next Wednesday the 1st, I have another ultrasound! I feel so spoiled with all of these ultrasounds..but they're, ya know, because I'm a "complicated patient". They've gotta keep a close eye on me and her. It's for a reason.

Anyway, I haven't taken any 30 week pictures (and probably won't)..but here's 29 weeks:

Hooray for baby bellies! :)

It's...Complex.

Have you ever stared into a bright light? If you have, do you know the colorful spots you see when you look away? That's how my morning started out yesterday. I was sorting through clean laundry before getting the boys up and moving when I noticed colorful spots kind of swirling around in my left peripheral. I thought maybe it was just another crazy pregnancy side effect and kept at what I was doing. I got the boys up..teeth brushed..fed them breakfast and even packed Calix's lunch with these swirling spots in my vision. I thought I was going blind. I sat at the computer and tried to look up what was going on to see if I could get an idea. And then? My left hand went numb. Oh, no. I remember now. So I pulled up a blog entry of mine from October 30, 2006..when I was 21 weeks pregnant with Maddox. And sure enough, just like my blog described..then the left side of my face went numb. I happened to have been eating oatmeal at the time and dribbled some on my face. I tried to wipe it off but could not feel my hand..or my face..so it was pretty pointless (and frustrating). My lips went numb..my tongue went numb. I called Orion who'd already left for work. He wasn't answering. I called again. I left messages. I texted him multiple times. SURELY he feels his phone vibrating like crazy! SURELY he knows *something* has to be wrong! I *never* bother him like this unless something is urgent.

I thought I should call 911. But it was 7am and Calix had to be at school in about 30 minutes. And what do I DO with both of my children in the ER if I do call anyway? I can't babysit them when I'm the one needing to be looked after..and my husband ISN'T answering his phone so I can't even confirm with him that, hey..I'm going to the hospital..meet me there and handle the kids. I was scared. I was crying. I was getting more and more confused by the second. Maybe I can drop him off and drive myself to the hospital? I could barely see and feel half of my body and this is what I was thinking. It wasn't logical. I know this.

These are the texts I left him:

6:19am -Oe?
6:20 - There's something weird going on with my vision
Side of left eye
It's like a swirl of colors
Kind of like if you stare at a bright light or something then pull away
6:21 - and you have that jumbled colors feeling
That's what's going on..just on the side of my left eye
And I didn't stare into any lights
6:44 - Orion
ORION
Left hand is numb
I'm scared that I'm having another TIA attack thing
6:45 - Orion
Orion help
Do you even have your phone??


**Orion**
6:56 - Call 911.


**Me**
I have to take calix to sdchool (yes, I'm aware that is spelled incorrectly..but that's how it looked in my text. my fingers felt fat and heavy and kept slapping the wrong keys)

**Orion**
I don't remember asking you what you have to do. If it's a TIA attack, then call the hospital.

**Me**
I'll take calix to school then go to the er I guess

**Orion**
Are you trying to be stupid on purpose or on accident?
I am on the way.


And the answer to his question was, of course, that I was NOT trying to be stupid on purpose. Nothing made sense to me. I was just trying to go about my morning..get my kids taken care of and THEN get me taken care of. It isn't logical. I know. There's just no way to make any of that make sense. It was stupid..I knew it was stupid..but at the same time, I wanted to be normal. Does that make sense?

By the time he got to me, the numbness had gone away..as had the color swirls..but I still felt out of it and I still couldn't verbalize what I was thinking (which happened to me in a worse way later on in the day. The words strung together and made sentences in my head..but by the time they got to my mouth, I couldn't remember..or form..any of those words. So all I would end up saying is "I don't remember what I was going to say" and I felt SO dumb because of it). Names blurred together and didn't feel like these peoples' correct names (like Rachel Ray. I thought there was no way that was her name. It didn't even SOUND like it could ever be her name..and how come this magazine says Rachel Ray under all of her pictures?!? People are stupid..they don't even know who this lady is!). He dropped me at the emergency room door and went to go find parking while I tried to convince my legs with all of my brainpower that they work. Wobbly legs..shuffling into the ER to check in. It's a horrible feeling to know that NORMALLY you can make your body do these things..and here it is, acting like it can't.

I sat and stifled tears while I was checked in. I tried to act stronger than I felt. I tried to joke with the guy who did my initial screening thing. The usual long wait in the waiting room was cut down to about 5 minutes. We were called back..I was put into a hospital gown and apologized to an angry with me Orion for not calling 911. He still didn't get it. I wasn't being dumb on purpose. I just wasn't all the way there mentally and needed a decision maker for me. He's the one I run to in situations like that. That's really how simple it was. But..he was angry. He was angry because he needs me. The boys need me. If he was NOT able to get to me and I still didn't call 911 and I died out of stubbornness and took Kaydence along with me..he wouldn't be able to forgive me. He was angry because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. It's really as simple as that. It's just hard to have the one person you want a hug from..and told everything will be okay..be so upset with you. I know. I know. I'm sorry.

The migraine that comes with the numbness and vision issues had shown up. Maddox turned my lights out and I was given Tylenol. I had to recite what had happened 3 times..to 3 different people. I had to go over my history with this thing (as in..I'd had it happen once before 4 years ago when I was exactly as far along with my Maddox pregnancy. They thought maybe it was TIA (a mini stroke)..I'd had 2 CT scans done WHILE I was pregnant with this child and after months of not really knowing what it was that had actually happened, was told it was a "complex migraine"..without any information about the thing. It felt like it was just a 'here take this diagnosis. We're not really sure what's wrong with you..so uh..have this instead'). Around 9:30, they'd come back and confirmed that it was indeed..a complex migraine and that because I've already had one while pregnant, those parts of my brain were already open and ready to be given the chance again. Or something. And because I'm pregnant NOW, they just may be more susceptible to happening because of the hormone changes..or..something along those lines. What he said made sense. What he said was detailed and made us feel better than the simple University of Louisville diagnosis of "complex migraine". At least now we KNOW what they are (ish..) and now we KNOW we don't have to rush back to the hospital with each one. They see this all the time..it's a total classic case of a complex migraine.

I was told what to look out for (because these are similar to mini strokes..mini strokes just last longer) in the future. I was told to take some Tylenol and lay down in a dark room when these things happen. After the doctor had left and I was told I could put my clothes back on, Orion came over to me and gave me a long and deep hug. The one I had needed all morning.

And then we went out to a late breakfast at the bowling alley..because that's just what classy folk do.